What am I doing?

What am I doing? This is the question I am constantly racking my brain trying to answer.

The “what”- This is the object I discuss. This is the blog, for all intents and purposes as you see it.

I want to tell stories. I want to write. I want to get all the stuff that’s in my head out onto something that others can relate to. I’m not as smart as I’d like to be, and I’m sure lazier than I should be, so I write mainly what comes to mind. I would like to, one day, sit, and research books, cite sources, and make a conclusive book on a single subject. But the world as I see it it so intermingled, I can’t keep one thing to one subject without pulling the thread and finding the many more strings that are also attached to one another. So for now, I will write as the thought appears.

I will write on subjects of all manners, since they are all so carefully woven together as to never be separated, but still inspected individually, which is what I will try to accomplish. Theology is the key subject, hence the title. Some parts philosophy, sci-fi, and just commentary on society. But entirely, my view from the inside of my head at what goes on out there.

The “am”- This is the subject of my writings: my opinion and imagination running wild at the slightest of thoughts, and just going with it till the train loses momentum. The “am” is the thoughts I am putting together now, on what I believed then, so that we can get back to now, and where I “am”. It will also be the thoughts I have as I “am” now, about ideas and theories, and maybe we’ll see where I ended up being years from now.

The “I”- I’m sure you’ll get enough of this later, but I am me. Me is I. I was born into the average middle class, white, American, Protestant Christian, Republican home, same as everyone else. I say this to add the fact that I was a bland, white toast, believer; the chief of all basic Christians. I went to a Bible college and Graduated, and you know what? Something miraculous happened. I was cured.

From the time I started College, I was working as a Youth Minister at one church while subbing at two others on Sunday nights and the occasional Sunday morning. I prayed, read my Bible, watched my language, steered away from bad movies, and only listened to secular music as long as there was no swearing or sexual material in it. What a good boy.

But then I graduated Bible college 4 years later, and nothing could be further from the truth. I drank, smoked a pipe, didn’t care if I swore or not, didn’t read my Bible, and had stopped going to Church altogether. I refused to listen to Christian music, stopped praying, and much to the disappointment of my parental units, got tattoos. Sacrilegious.

Yet, I felt closer to God than ever before.

Then I started a new path. Right before graduation, I asked a friend what he was reading nowadays. It was Improvisation: A drama of Christian Ethics, and he claimed that every time he turned the page, it was like he was being saved all over again. As a book worm, and a self-proclaimed theologian, I had to read. It was great. So great that it demands its own summary, as do all of the books I mention, and one day those will happen as well. This would be the first in a long list of books that I would start and continue to consume. Not just books, but podcast, and YouTube videos.

So what does this have to do with “I”? “I” am being transformed as we speak. Both as I read, and as I write, I am being transformed. As the information comes in, and as it goes out, I am thinking about things, and its changing me. If I’m fortunate, this change won’t ever stop.

The words Metamorphosis and Metanoia come to mind.

Metamorphosis means a change in form and/or habits, and that sounds exactly like what’s going on. Unlike tadpoles however, where the habits change due to the form, my form is a change due to habits. Most people would have looked at me in high school and said, “Obviously, he’s a Christian.” Now, due to habits and spiritual form, the Christians say, “Ah, clearly he is a Lost Soul.” But what’s going on here is both and neither. I’ve hit the third stage. I was blind and fumbling for answers. Then I was apathetic and settled in the darkness. Now, I’m skipping (still blindly), in a field, waiting to run into something. I hope that you’ll look at me, and wonder where I’ll be years from now in this journey. “What does he do now?” “What does it look like to everyone else”

Metanoia means a change of heart or mind, and I can say with confidence that the wiring looks different in here compared to years past. There were definite moments where things click in and out of place; puzzle piece that had been jammed in spots they didn’t fit, and now they finally sprang out, making way for new ones, and sometimes just leaving a gap. If I had to put a phrase on it, the change came from wanting to want. I definitely want to expound on this later, but in short: I began to have a desire to want to change. I repeat again: It didn’t start at wanting to change, but wanting to want to change. It might have started out further than that, but then the language of it just gets silly at that point.

If you keep reading along with me, I guarantee that you won’t see stagnancy. If you join me, let’s see where we both end up, because I very much doubt it will be the same place, and if fact, I hope we don’t.

So what am “I”?

A heretic. The common word given to someone who messes up what is clearly stated in the Bi(Commonly-accepted-Christian-terms-of-agreement)ble and the nature of God the-easily-visible. I looked at the nature of God and saw that it looked awfully mysterious, and that there were many things in the Bible that just didn’t seem quite right, so I decided to just start throwing ideas at the wall and seeing if any of them stuck. Apparently, doubting blind truth, wrestling with God, and asking questions are enough to get you looked at weird when you say them out-loud in a Bible Study about Faith. So, heretic, shall I be.

The “doing”- I am writing: that’s what I’m doing. I’m writing and thinking. Writing, thinking, and processing. I need feedback. I need more ideas. I need my ideas tested. I’m usually a pretty good devil’s advocate to myself, which make me horrible at expressing an opinion, because half-way through I will moderate it with the counter-argument. But what if I missed something? That’s why I need readers. I need other minds. I am on a journey. And in this figurative journey that I may write in fictional format on occasion (you know, for fun), it starts in Heaven, and heads back to Earth; From the Figurative, to the Literal; From the Thought to the Action.

Please join me. Its boring alone, but I’ll still do it, just so that I can be doing it, because that’s what I’m doing.

We can start with introductions.

Hello, my name is Heretic, and this is my Progress.

 

 

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3 Comments

  1. Well I guess you can find what you’re looking for when you get this rambling over with.

    What are you doing? Are you conflicted about the purpose of this sharing?

    Are you testifying? Who do you think I am? Who cares . I do .

    We are gathering and waiting for you. Keep your eyes and ears open. We are few and far between.

    We are the children of God, we are not to be deceived. What do you want to really say? That the Bible is misused by the greed of the world. ?

    That you can clearly see what it says.

    No one else will hear that. Just saying that is not enough for me to speak with you personally about the personal experience of my God, my Heavenly Father.

    There is no mediator between us.

    No one is accountable for my own works but me.

    How about you? Do you believe in God? If you do then you have to believe in the devil. There is a choice between them. And it’s that simple who cares about the world. ? Not me. Just got a great fear of offending God. So I don’t give any praise or thanks to something that is man made ,

    Nor do I expect to see anyone else who can agree with me.

    What do you think of the choice to serve the cross ? It brings me great fear to be left feeling like Have disobeyed the ten commandments. I believe in the old way. But that’s just me. How about you?

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    1. I guess I do tend to ramble.
      What am I doing? I’m processing. I’m putting down what’s going on in my head.
      Am I conflicted? Always.
      Am I testifying? In a literal sense, yes, but its not my main intent.
      Who do I think you are? I don’t really know who you are. An internet commenter; a person; a Believer? I try not to make you out as a thing, because you are a person, and that’s so much more difficult for me to understand.
      The Bible is misused by the greed of the world, that’s seems blatant, and I think we just don’t understand how much its wrongfully used, but that’s not what any of this article was about. What I really wanted to say, was not to you, but to my friend and fellow believer who, less than 24 hours ago, was told by their Christian father, that their own fault that they had never had a “God” experience.
      I don’t even want to pretend that I clearly understand God or the Bible; anything I say is a wild shot in the blinding light. Even if I get it right, I’m still wrong for thinking it could only be what I said.
      Do I believe in God? Yes.
      But that does not mean that I have to believe in the Devil. I can believe in God, and not believe in the Bible, Jesus, the Devil, etc. I know plenty of people who believe in God, and nothing else. I’m not saying they are right, I don’t think they are, but God and the Devil do come as a packaged belief.
      The choice is not the Devil and God, that would be giving the Devil too much credit; it’s between God and not loving your neighbor as yourself. That’s the purpose of being here isn’t it?
      And if you have a fear of offending God, then that’s just where you’re at. You might be wrong, so could I, but you’re honest if nothing else.
      I came to a Faith in God, whatever that means, when I was five, because I didn’t want to go to hell, then it changed to wanting to go to heaven, and then it changed again to trying to please God, then it morphed into just wanting to love him, and finally I believed that loving people is the same a loving God. Beliefs change. And I don’t agree with you, but that doesn’t stop me from caring for you. I think its incredibly bold of you to put your beliefs on display for others, knowing full well that they could get shredded for nothing more than asking questions that you genuinely have.
      I think serving the cross is love. Its dying for no other reason than love of others, no strings attached. If you think about the ten commandments as a damning list of rules, then yeah, fear would be pretty important. But the Law is a stumbling block. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, the first thing you do is think about it, and then shut it out. The Law has its place, don’t get me wrong, but constantly looking over your shoulder to see if you are breaking rules seems like such a burden.
      I am curious though, as to what you mean by The Old Way. Are you referring to before the written teachings of God, when physically experiencing God seemed like a common occurrence? Or do you simply mean Hebraic Law?

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      1. I don’t know what I mean. Yes it is a heavy unnecessary worry I put on my self. I don’t know what heretic is. I just had a great trial of my own faith and trust in God. I don’t know why I am speaking to you, intruding on your space.

        But I don’t know why I am so moved to testify to the one that I do have great fear to offend. I don’t try to know things that are not known to us .
        But the message I just want to encourage those who are conflicted and confused as I am, but the Heavenly Father is not silent to those who seek out confirmation.

        I just love the Lord my Heavenly Father and the religious traditions are not for me. Because I don’t feel like Jesus died so he could be worshipped. I feel like he suffered the wrath so I can know the love that God has for me. I don’t declare that I am worthy to get such a great blessing to be singled out to be with a direct link to truth ,,,, that’s not what I want that would be scary……

        But thank-you for your time and I will try to be more still in the fear of offending God. But the enemy is persistent to distract me. But like you, my heart is fixed, but my ears are still open . I just want to write again to use the gift that I was given to honor my Heavenly Father and comfort those who have been gathered with me.

        I have moved away from that and I thank you for your time

        Like

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