Doubting Jesus

Do you know who’s got Daddy issues?

Can you guess who’s got abandonment issues?

You guessed it! Its Jesus.

If you think about it, Jesus’ real Father isn’t around, but he’s raised by another Dad, named Joseph, and I can only imagine what home life is like in that textbook psychology case.

Did I set the tone? Sweet.

There is this talk of “God with us” and “God becoming man” and “He faced all of the same temptations as us, so we could have a God that relates to us”. Those all sound well and good, but I typically don’t relate well to Jewish Carpenters from 2,000 years ago. So if I’m critical of Faith and I find myself doubting all the Christian teachings that have been thrown at me all my life, how am I supposed to relate to Jesus Christ of Nazareth?

Then it hit me.

I was talking to my Fiance about doubt and seeing the works of God in our lives. She, despite being firmer in her beliefs than I am (I’m more of a Charlie Brown-esque, wishy-washy kind of believer), has never had a direct, substantial interaction with God. I can’t blame her, I’ve had maybe one moment in my life where I could say the Holy Spirit directly interacted with me and something divine happened, and to this day I still struggle if it was just my own mind playing tricks on me. So how is she supposed to relate to Mr. Jesus Christ Super Star? The guy usually preforms miracles, so its not as if he even has to wait for them.

When has Jesus ever had to say, “Hey, God? Its me, Jesus. I was just wondering if you were still there…or even cared….”

But he has, hasn’t he?

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus spends the whole night praying, begging God to take away the pain that he is about to endure. And through the entire account, not a single time does it mention God replying. Jesus is left alone in the Garden, crying out to no reply. Jesus has never been more human to me, then when he was cut off from God. I know what that feels like. I can relate.

I realize that I am reading into this, but bear with my Sanctified imagination if you will.

Jesus spends the night crying out to God, only to be met with silence. He is betrayed and tortured, mocked and crucified. And the whole time all I can think is that Jesus must have been crying out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” We do get a quote of him saying this on the cross in Matthew 27:46, but for him to say something like that out loud, he must have been thinking about it for some time before then.

But how could he even believe that? God spoke out from Heaven just recently in John 12:28. Jesus preformed miracles. There was the whole thing with the Dove, and the Five thousand, and walking on water. How can you believe that God has abandoned you, after all that?

But he’s right. Miracles don’t matter. People forget, or don’t care. Look at the Hebrews in the Wilderness. That’s just a long tale of forgetful people. In the end, what really matters, is that Jesus feels the disconnection between himself and God. He calls, and there is no answer. I know that feeling every time I pray: the sensation that you are just talking to yourself. It feels like sending letters to Santa. You send them out, but if if they get somewhere, there will never be a letter coming back to you.

So what do I do when I doubt God, and I’m just not seeing the Holy Spirit moving in my life?

I turn to Jesus for commiseration. He knows what its like to feel abandoned.

P.S.- The song that came to mind when writing this was BarlowGirl’s “Never Alone”. Check it out

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